"Two from Perfect"

I am not at the point where I could say my life is perfect. But I can definitely say things are close to being perfect. I know earlier I talked about perfectionism and my experience of overcoming it, but this is different. This is not me being down on myself because things are not perfect. I am in rejoice because at this point in my life I truly feel that everything is on track, and there are only two things missing in my life. Nonetheless I am still ecstatic about how my life is going at this point.

The reason I feel such an important significance about the way my life is now, is because for years I have felt like there was some unseen force in my life, doing everything it possibly can to make me mad, ruin my life, and make me generally miserable. I felt like things in my life were constantly being wrecked by either myself or the unseen force. I felt like I could never stop ruining things just by being me or trying too hard (things I cannot really control). I thought I would never catch a break. This had been a habit I had tried to break countless times in the past few years. A few times I did break the habit, and things seemed like they were finally on track and that I could finally be happy, but then the habit returned, and I was back to cursing everything that happened in my life; back to making a bigger deal out of things than they were.
This has always been a struggle for me. The thing that makes it even harder and possibly the reason as to why I do this, is because I have a chemical sort of depression. It usually isn’t something one can grow out of. I have to take antidepressants every day for that reason and for other mental struggles I have. If one day I forget to take my meds, I spend that day either completely miserable for no reason, or I am “over the top” happy and out of control (depression can work both ways).

So, the reason why I say I am “two from perfect” is because there are only two things I can name that are missing. Things are still great without them, and I am not upset about not having them in my life, but it would be even better if they were. I’m not going to name these two things; they’re quite personal. But I will talk about everything that is on track.

This literally all started on one day after a conversation on the phone with my friend. Before this, I had a lot of problems. There was a girl at my school causing a whole bunch of problems and pain for everyone (again) and this time it was so much worse than the time before. All my friends were losing their tempers, arguing with each other, and feeling really down because of this girl. I was having my own little problems and this made it harder to deal with them. For about a year I have been thinking and looking into the next phase of my life: moving out and going to college. Since I don’t have a drivers licence and I likely won’t before I graduate, I need to live close to whatever school I went to so I could get public transportation. I don’t do well alone because I get lonely and scared; I needed someone I could live with. But my two options weren’t good ones. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against these two people; they are my best friends, but I feel the relationship could be compromised because with one: we get tired and short with each other when we are around each other for too long, and the other: I think if we spent too much time together, we might run out of things to say and do, just like happened with a good friend of mine, who practically lived at my place. There were some other problems but it would be too long to go through all of those.

This was almost all solved in one phone conversation. To sum it up, we found a solution to this girl that was causing trouble. We decided we were the right compatibility to be roommates, and I discovered we are going to the same college, so the question of where to live is solved, and this person also plans to move out of her house at the end of next school year.
Even though we never had to use the solution against this girl (don’t worry it’s not anything mean or wrong), we have almost been completely freed from the girl’s influence. Things worked themselves out. All of my friends are happy again; and this makes me even happier. I found this is a good time to try and break the “being down on my life” habit. I am forming a new habit of not getting so upset about things, learning to appreciate the small things, and just enjoying what is good in my life. Two from perfect, but pretty damn good!

My English Assignment

When I was nine years old, I joined a martial art training program in Stony Plain, called Silent River Kung Fu. As long as I can remember, I have always wanted to join in in martial arts. My mom didn’t ever let me because I used to be a bit violent. One day she told me I could join martial arts under the conditions that I can find a place for that nearby to where I live. I was cleaning up the shoe rack when I saw an ad in the paper (used for drippy shoes) for Silent River Kung Fu. I joined a few weeks later.
Since then, kung fu has been a great passion of mine. Up until I got my second degree brown belt and was preparing to get my blackbelt next, I did very well and learned very quickly. However, the new belt required me to be in the adult class, which was the only class for second degree brown belts, I found it really difficult to keep up. I went from having the endurance of a preteen to having to have the endurance of an adult. It took nearly a year before I could completely keep up with the class. Since getting the second degree brown belt, I would often shut down and give up when I became really frustrated with myself. This happened easily due to the fact that I have OCD, which causes me to be a perfectionist and also to the fact that I have Asperger’s Syndrome, which causes me to have troubles with new things and easily become stressed and frustrated. Being a perfectionist has made things really hard. I always had to be perfect, or I wouln’t do it. But deep down I knew that no matter how well I did, I would never feel I was even close to being perfect.

After 2 years of being a second degree brown belt, I was told that I was allowed to test for blackbelt. I didn’t think I was good enough so I had never signed up to test in time to have a fair amount of training. My teacher was wondering why I hadn’t signed up, because he thought I was ready. So I decided to start training for the test. I had little time to do so. About 2 weeks before the test, and many weeks of stress and depression due to the stress, I decided I wasn’t ready to test for my blackbelt. The next year I got a fair amount of training in time, tested, and passed. This 4-5 month period was a huge awakening and also a huge psychological growth spurt for me.
While I was training, I was having trouble breaking boards (a requirement to pass the grading). I got really down on myself about that. My teacher started to notice this and tested out one of my boards. He couldn’t even break it. A family friend leaned it on a step and stopped on it, he couldn’t break it either. We even tested a hammer on it, it still didn’t break. My teacher told me that they must be too green. So he had us “bake” them in an oven to dry them out. After this I had no problem breaking them. I learned a lesson: don’t blame yourself all of the time.
During the black belt grading I was struggling. The test was long and hard, and I was getting really exhausted. It was the constant encouragement from my teachers that kept me going. That day, I discovered that, like some of my family members, I have exercise enduced asthma. I had three asthma attacks that day. I have never had any before that day, or since. This is to describe how tough that test was. When I finished, I felt I was a million miles from perfect. I thought I was going to fail for sure. But when I was told I had passed, it opened my eyes. I wasn’t perfect, but I was good enough. This eye opener also helped me to realize that I had done my best. Now I don’t shut down anymore. I try as hard as I can. I am very good at kung fu. I’m not the best, I’m my best; and I’m getting better every day.

Kung fu has also greatly affected my personality, values, confidence and self esteem, and personal goals. I would not be where I am today without kung fu. I often say that I will never quit kung fu until I am dead or crippled, I also always say that I would probably die without kung fu. Kung fu is my life. Kung fu has made my life. It has made me an extremely compassionate person. I don’t kill bugs or harm animals, and I don’t allow anyone I know to do it either. I care about the environment and want to help fix it. I love helping people. I believe strongly that, anyone who can, should donate to charity on a regular basis. These values are all because of my lifetime spent in kung fu and my strong passion for kung fu. Kung fu has greatly widened my comfort zone, which, started out quite small because of me having Asperger’s Syndrome.

Kung fu has been the largest part of my life. It has made me. It is my life. I truly believe that I could die without it. Kung fu and my teachers have been there for me through all the many periods of depression I went through, and when I felt no one else was. I may not be alive today if it wasn’t for me training in kung fu.

From School

Here is a handout I got at school. Its a good one to think about.

The paradox of our time in history is that we have
Taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider
Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more,
But have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have
Bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees
But less sense, more knowledge, but less judgement,
More experts, yet more problems, more medicine but
Less wellness
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too
Recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get
Too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read
Too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our
Values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate
Too often.
We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life.
We’ve added years to life not life to years. We’ve
Been all the way to the moon and back but have
Trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbour.
We conquered outer space but not inner space. We’ve
Done larger things, but not better things.
We’ve cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
We’ve conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We
Write more, but learn less. We plan more, but
Accomplish less. We’ve learned to rush but not to
Wait. We build more computers to hold more
Information, to produce more copies than ever, but
We communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow
Digestion, big men and small character, steep
Profits and shallow relationships. These are the
Days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier
Houses, but broken homes. These are the days of quick
Trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one
Night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do
Everything from a cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a
Time when there is much in the showroom window and
Nothing in the stock room. A time when technology can
Bring this letter to you, and a time when you can
Choose either to share this insight, or to just hit
Delete.
Remember, spend some time with your loved ones.
Because they are not going to be around forever.
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to
You in awe, because that little person soon will
Grow up and leave your side
Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you
Because that is the only treasure you can give with
Your heart and it doesn’t cost a cent.
Remember to say “I love you” to your partner and
Your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and
An embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep
Inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for
Someday that person will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak. And give time
To share the precious thoughts in your mind.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we
Take, but the moments that take our breath away.

Perfectionism

A lot of people think that a perfectionist only strives to be perfect in all aspects of life. It is much more than that. A perfectionist not only strives to be perfect in everything, but feels they have to be perfect or else they are not worthy. When they are not perfect in what they do, they are very hard on themselves. It can feel like the end of the world. It can cause extreme amounts of stress. It can cause a person to go into depression. A perfectionist, no matter how well they do, will NEVER feel that they have done anything perfect. To a perfectionist, though they may or may not realize this, the goal of being perfect is like a prize up in the clouds, with no rope, the only way to get there is to jump as high as you can and hope to reach it.

Being a perfectionist has made my life very difficult. Often, my mind would shut down when I couldn’t be perfect, and I wouldn’t be able to force myself to try. This often led to me leaving to go in a private place and sulk. I could barely ever achieve anything because I would either start over a hundred times, or just give up on it completely. This made improvement in kung fu very hard, because I felt if I could not do something perfectly, it was not worth even trying. I always knew that I would never feel anything I had done was anything close to being perfect. But it was impossible for me to stop thinking about being perfect. Comparing myself to others didn’t help either.

The process of testing for my blackbelt greatly affected all of this. The few months before the testing had me very stressed, and in turn very depressed. I was crying all of the time and did little work at school. I was far from perfect when I tested. I often needed encouragement to keep going. When I was done I felt horrible about it. I felt I could have done way better. Those thoughts filled my head so much that I didn’t think at all that I had done my best; which I had done. Once I was started with training for the ceremony demo, and it had become obvious I had passed (which I wasn’t really given a solid answer at the time) I realized that what I had done was not perfect, but good enough (this was not an instant change and realization but it took time over the period of my practice). This was a whole new awakening for me. I became and still am able to accept what I had done as the best I could do. This became my new goal, rather than trying to be perfect. I am happier this way. I can finish projects without redoing over and over or giving up. I still tend to be a perfectionist from time to time (like straightening pictures, and trying to make my surrounding perfect in ways like that). But it does not get to me like it used to. I know when to accept when things are the best I could have made them.