I am finding myself frustrated over and over again because people cannot be honest with me. I just feel time and time over like there is something people need to say to me but cannot get the guts to do so. wish if people had a problem, they could just tell me, for crying out loud! I don’t read minds! How is anything ever supposed to be fixed if it is kept a secret? How can I improve myself when no one will tell me my faults? I’m not aware of many of my faults, so if I’m making you mad, TELL ME! I never intend to make people mad, and that is something I want to be able to fix but how can I when you let me continue.
I’m just tired of wondering who my real friends are. My whole life I have been proud of, and strived to be tough. So I don’t want pity in any shape or form. I don’t want people to be fake with me just because they don’t want to hurt my feelings. The hurt of you admitting you don’t give a crap about me and would prefer not to associate with me does not come close to comparing to the frustration and spent energy I feel from trying to figure you out and trying to make things work. If you don’t like me, then I don’t have interest in being friends, and I can get over that fast. It’s nothing compared to the hurt I feel whenever I try to call you and there is always some excuse for not answering the phone or returning the call, or when I try to make plans and it’s all “yeah I’m looking forward to it”, then there is always some last minute reason that you can’t make it. And I know deep down that you never intended on showing. THAT is what hurts. When you sit there are lie to me.
I can really only say that I have two friends that I trust 100%. That fact hurts more than the fact of only having two friends would. These friends tell me what needs to be said. They aren’t afraid hurting my feelings. And if anyone else maybe would say what’s on their mind they would find that I take it a lot better than you think I would. I appreciate honesty, so I don’t get mad when something slightly offensive is said. I actually don’t take offense from it at all. But no one knows that because they humour me. That is one thing that I hate the most is being humoured. And I am so tired of it!
Anyone who reads my blogs would know about the fact that I have Asperger’s Syndrome. And I have explained that I do not read into non-verbal communication on the same level that others do. So when I tend to do something that is annoying, or rude, etc, I have absolutely no clue that that is how people see it. SO TELL ME! I hate offending people. I hate being rude. I hate being annoying. I hate making people mad. And I want to be able to improve myself but I cannot do that with people letting me continue as I am without telling me that it is a problem. I have major trust issues because too many people are fake with me. I don’t like having to be suspicious of my friends. And I wouldn’t be that way if people would just say up front that they do not have interest in being my friend. Let me move on, and let me be able to not be so paranoid about people that are actually genuine. Because at this point, I have to confront people that I have suspicions about. And sometimes I’m wrong. When I am wrong, I hurt the people that I care about. I don’t want to hurt anyone. Between being frustrated over people that can’t tell the truth and hurting my friends, this is why I have such a passionate hate for this issue. I just really want to be able to trust my own friends.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Spirit Day
Today we are supposed to wear purple in memory of those who have committed suicide because of gay hate. I am very passionate about fighting gay hate so that’s what I’ve decided to write about today.
To start off, I cannot understand why someone has to go out of their way to make others’ business their business. If you don’t like something, then don’t be involved. Ignore it. We all hate bad weather, but that doesn’t mean we all go around shouting at rain and snow and trying to beat it. No, we dress warmly and go on with our day. If people are racist, they hide it because it is socially unacceptable in our society. If you don’t like certain personality traits, you avoid people with those traits. So why is it that so many people have to go out of their way just to show that they do not approve? It’s nonsense!
Secondly, what part of anyone else’s love life is the business of someone else? I cannot walk up to two strangers and say they cannot marry because I wish them not to and have it be. No, they would laugh at me for thinking I get a say and move on and get married. So why should it be difference for same sex couples?
Thirdly, who is anyone to judge? Who is to say that it is not right for people to be gay? “God intended man and woman to be together”. Ok, when did he tell you that? How do you know what god intended? When did he speak to you? Ever think that maybe god created everything as he intended and everything that exists is his doing? Doesn’t the bible say that we are all equal in god’s eyes and he created us all equal?
“Gay’s will pay for their sins?” Honestly? As if people chose to be gay? Isn’t sin an intentional choice made by a person? That’s like saying “all blondes will pay for their sins.”
To finish off, I just wanna say that the soul has no gender. Love comes from the soul. Love is love no matter where it comes from, man or woman. And please stand up against hate of any kind. No one should be made to feel miserable enough to want to end their life.
To start off, I cannot understand why someone has to go out of their way to make others’ business their business. If you don’t like something, then don’t be involved. Ignore it. We all hate bad weather, but that doesn’t mean we all go around shouting at rain and snow and trying to beat it. No, we dress warmly and go on with our day. If people are racist, they hide it because it is socially unacceptable in our society. If you don’t like certain personality traits, you avoid people with those traits. So why is it that so many people have to go out of their way just to show that they do not approve? It’s nonsense!
Secondly, what part of anyone else’s love life is the business of someone else? I cannot walk up to two strangers and say they cannot marry because I wish them not to and have it be. No, they would laugh at me for thinking I get a say and move on and get married. So why should it be difference for same sex couples?
Thirdly, who is anyone to judge? Who is to say that it is not right for people to be gay? “God intended man and woman to be together”. Ok, when did he tell you that? How do you know what god intended? When did he speak to you? Ever think that maybe god created everything as he intended and everything that exists is his doing? Doesn’t the bible say that we are all equal in god’s eyes and he created us all equal?
“Gay’s will pay for their sins?” Honestly? As if people chose to be gay? Isn’t sin an intentional choice made by a person? That’s like saying “all blondes will pay for their sins.”
To finish off, I just wanna say that the soul has no gender. Love comes from the soul. Love is love no matter where it comes from, man or woman. And please stand up against hate of any kind. No one should be made to feel miserable enough to want to end their life.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Students should not be protected from the law
Bullying is an extremely bad problem in schools. Students kill themselves over it. Students suffer deeply. But almost NOTHING is being done about it!!!! Teachers tend to shrug it off. Excuses for doing so range from “they need to toughen up” to “it’s not a problem”. ARE YOU KIDDING ME???!!! People don’t blink an eye at it. But then they are SO SURPRISED when a student kills themselves or shows up to school with a gun.
This problem is not taken seriously enough. Teachers do little to nothing about it. But they should not be the law in schools. THE LAW SHOULD! A student that physically hurts another student shouldn’t have detention or suspension, they should have assault charges! If that student did so outside the school they would be charged for assault, so why are students protected from legal punishment when it happens in school. There is no difference. Assault is assault, no matter where it happens.
And what about bullying too? People may say “bullying isn’t illegal”. Bullying
is harassment. Harassment is illegal. Bullies need to face harassment charges.
What is suspension? That is no punishment! That is a vacation! Bullies that get suspended don’t care. They see it as a day off. Detention is no different. People don’t care too much about having some free time taken away. Students don’t care too much about being expelled either. They see it as a year off or just go to another school and bully students there. This is the only form of punishment if any at all. Usually bullying and harassment problems are ignored, by everyone. Everyone wonders why bully victims don’t seek help. Maybe because they never receive any help when they try to seek it. Because there is no help, there is no hope. Students resort to suicide or violence. Students try to solve their own problems. They shouldn’t have to! They should be able to report to the police these crimes. But since schools are left to take care of the problem, the police won’t do anything. But yet the teachers won’t either. Yeah some teachers do help, but not enough. And since punishment at schools is less than a slap to the wrist (more like a poke to the side of the head: just an annoyance), I do not think it should be left to a teacher to punish for these crimes. They are crimes! Crimes that should be handled by the law! Student bullies need to stop being protected by schools. Bullying is assault and harassment. Assault and harassment are crimes. They need to face the legal consequences for their actions. Maybe we might have less school shootings and suicides.
This problem is not taken seriously enough. Teachers do little to nothing about it. But they should not be the law in schools. THE LAW SHOULD! A student that physically hurts another student shouldn’t have detention or suspension, they should have assault charges! If that student did so outside the school they would be charged for assault, so why are students protected from legal punishment when it happens in school. There is no difference. Assault is assault, no matter where it happens.
And what about bullying too? People may say “bullying isn’t illegal”. Bullying
is harassment. Harassment is illegal. Bullies need to face harassment charges.
What is suspension? That is no punishment! That is a vacation! Bullies that get suspended don’t care. They see it as a day off. Detention is no different. People don’t care too much about having some free time taken away. Students don’t care too much about being expelled either. They see it as a year off or just go to another school and bully students there. This is the only form of punishment if any at all. Usually bullying and harassment problems are ignored, by everyone. Everyone wonders why bully victims don’t seek help. Maybe because they never receive any help when they try to seek it. Because there is no help, there is no hope. Students resort to suicide or violence. Students try to solve their own problems. They shouldn’t have to! They should be able to report to the police these crimes. But since schools are left to take care of the problem, the police won’t do anything. But yet the teachers won’t either. Yeah some teachers do help, but not enough. And since punishment at schools is less than a slap to the wrist (more like a poke to the side of the head: just an annoyance), I do not think it should be left to a teacher to punish for these crimes. They are crimes! Crimes that should be handled by the law! Student bullies need to stop being protected by schools. Bullying is assault and harassment. Assault and harassment are crimes. They need to face the legal consequences for their actions. Maybe we might have less school shootings and suicides.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
So Glad to be Out of High School
It’s been a week living in Grant Macewan residence and I’m sooooooooooooooooooooo glad no one here is still stuck in the high school ways of socializing. I haven’t gotten a single dirty look so far or a face where you can see the person thinks they know what you’re all about. And it’s really fun because everyone is not afraid to break out of their shell. People are noisy and quirky. It caught me off guard when there was ice cream being served one night in the lobby and I went down to find everyone jumping around all excited instead of sitting in a corner all like “keep it cool. Keep it cool. I know this is ice cream and I’m so excited about it but I gotta keep it cool and not be a ‘freak’”. Back in high school I was one of the few that was comfortable enough in their own skin to not hide the quirky side. I’m quite surprised to see just how many people have been hiding it, trying to act “cool”. Everyone who was like that in high school was usually considered a “freak” or a “weirdo”. People aren’t afraid to be themselves here, people aren’t afraid to run up to someone else and chat them up. One guy even walks around in a lab coat, and people think it’s cool and expressive rather than weird. I feel so at home. No one is left out either. If anyone is sitting in a corner with less than 3 people with them they really need to be prepared to be bombarded by 10 people who say they “look all lonely by themselves” (even if there are some other people). I could even hear a bunch of girls outside my door debating whether or not they should just knock on all the doors and say hi on move in day. People will even leave their door propped open and people are welcome to join in on whatever they are doing. I haven’t seen a single clique. I haven’t seen anyone excluded.
This way of being is so easy which only leaves me with one question: why can’t people be like this at high school? I mean, the only difference between high school and college ages is two small months. I really don’t see why high school has to be the way it is. I’m not going to complain forever but my heart goes out to all those people that have to experience some of the things they do. I hate to see people depressed and killing themselves just because other people cannot get over themselves and stop trying to be “cool” all the time. Being “cool” causes so much emotional stress and/or damage to EVERYONE. I barely survived sometimes.
And it kills me to know about all the people in there that are in the same position I was, but they don’t have a passion and a kung fu family to keep them alive like I did.
This way of being is so easy which only leaves me with one question: why can’t people be like this at high school? I mean, the only difference between high school and college ages is two small months. I really don’t see why high school has to be the way it is. I’m not going to complain forever but my heart goes out to all those people that have to experience some of the things they do. I hate to see people depressed and killing themselves just because other people cannot get over themselves and stop trying to be “cool” all the time. Being “cool” causes so much emotional stress and/or damage to EVERYONE. I barely survived sometimes.
And it kills me to know about all the people in there that are in the same position I was, but they don’t have a passion and a kung fu family to keep them alive like I did.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
(Cant really think of a title)
My Biggest Regrets
• risperidol
• space and science centre mishap
• acting stupid at that birthday, and the other birthday
• trusting and confiding in someone I knew couldn’t be trusted
• trusting and confiding in someone I knew was fake
• not noticing that she did mind
• lending out my things and money to her
• not exposing the truth about her before she destroyed my credibility
• letting him abuse me
• all the things I ruined by trying to fix or improve
• losing touch with so many people I cared about
• scaring people away
• all the scars
• letting so many people take advantage of me
• ruining my chances by acting stupid
• procrastinating
• always jumping to conclusions
• giving up to easy with so many things
• not taking care of problems before they got out of control
• not doing something about my suspicions
• standing up for someone who let the person (that made them a victim) make me a victim too
• dropping German 10
• forgetting to blog over summer (lol whoops!)
Things I don’t regret/am glad happened
• not getting my licence (long story)
• saving her life even though she betrayed me later
• my best friend ditching me. it led me to a real friend that I didn’t know it at the time
• getting sick and almost dying. I missed a lot of school but it helped me get out of an abusive relationship
• not jumping off that balcony, or swallowing those pills
• finding my true faith
• getting out of a toxic place, even though I lost a lot of friends doing so
• not quitting kung fu when I was in a really bad rut
• cutting off all the people that were bad for me. even though it made people think I was a prude
• not giving up when I was scared
• risperidol
• space and science centre mishap
• acting stupid at that birthday, and the other birthday
• trusting and confiding in someone I knew couldn’t be trusted
• trusting and confiding in someone I knew was fake
• not noticing that she did mind
• lending out my things and money to her
• not exposing the truth about her before she destroyed my credibility
• letting him abuse me
• all the things I ruined by trying to fix or improve
• losing touch with so many people I cared about
• scaring people away
• all the scars
• letting so many people take advantage of me
• ruining my chances by acting stupid
• procrastinating
• always jumping to conclusions
• giving up to easy with so many things
• not taking care of problems before they got out of control
• not doing something about my suspicions
• standing up for someone who let the person (that made them a victim) make me a victim too
• dropping German 10
• forgetting to blog over summer (lol whoops!)
Things I don’t regret/am glad happened
• not getting my licence (long story)
• saving her life even though she betrayed me later
• my best friend ditching me. it led me to a real friend that I didn’t know it at the time
• getting sick and almost dying. I missed a lot of school but it helped me get out of an abusive relationship
• not jumping off that balcony, or swallowing those pills
• finding my true faith
• getting out of a toxic place, even though I lost a lot of friends doing so
• not quitting kung fu when I was in a really bad rut
• cutting off all the people that were bad for me. even though it made people think I was a prude
• not giving up when I was scared
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Something my friend wrote for me to cheer me up (i thought i'd share it because it's funny)
Earlier today, I was grinding off the backs of some screws in a carburetor. As I did this, hot steel was of course spraying in every direction, causing me some minor burns on my forearms and hands. As I did this, a particularly large chunk of steel, a small shard of red-hot metal, was flung into my wrist and embedded itself there. Now, as I pulled it out with my fingers, cursing, I couldn't help but think philosophically. What was the purpose of this shard? Was it just a part of the screw that was at random thrown into my skin by the grinder? Did it have some sort of purpose other than to serve as the bottom of a screw holding down a throttle plate? Come to think of it, was this shard of steel, temporarily lodged in my arm, even from the screw? Perhaps, I thought as I cursed and threw the little chunk of metal behind my back, it was a small spaceship, manned by tiny aliens. Or maybe it was a missile launched by aliens in a botched attempt to take my life. Or maybe, just maybe, it would serve a much higher purpose after I discarded it. After all, its matter had an ancestry stretching back to the dawn of the universe. Surely, after at least 15 billion years of existing in many different forms over the eons, this little piece of matter wasn't going to simply end its tale now. But a much more pressing matter was also on my mind:
Goddamn that thing hurt.
Goddamn that thing hurt.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
More and Less
Things I wish the world had more of:
• Respect
• Compassion
• Heroes
• Charity
• Sympathy
• Freedom
• Open refuge
• Sharing
• Listening
• Understanding
• Cooperation
• Patience
• Love
• Peace
• Support
• Environmental concern
• Communication
• Kept promises
• Protection of those in need
• Karma
• Human rights
• Safety
• Help
• Discipline
• Knowledge
• Tolerance
• Order
Things I wish the world had less of:
• Crime
• Poverty
• Hunger
• Hypocrisy
• Abuse
• Misunderstanding
• Judgment
• Killing
• Selfishness
• Lies
• Cheating
• Stealing
• Fighting
• Cruelty
• Ignorance
• Vengeance
• Carelessness
• Broken promises
• Pollution
• Disease and illness
• Disaster
• Chaos
• Respect
• Compassion
• Heroes
• Charity
• Sympathy
• Freedom
• Open refuge
• Sharing
• Listening
• Understanding
• Cooperation
• Patience
• Love
• Peace
• Support
• Environmental concern
• Communication
• Kept promises
• Protection of those in need
• Karma
• Human rights
• Safety
• Help
• Discipline
• Knowledge
• Tolerance
• Order
Things I wish the world had less of:
• Crime
• Poverty
• Hunger
• Hypocrisy
• Abuse
• Misunderstanding
• Judgment
• Killing
• Selfishness
• Lies
• Cheating
• Stealing
• Fighting
• Cruelty
• Ignorance
• Vengeance
• Carelessness
• Broken promises
• Pollution
• Disease and illness
• Disaster
• Chaos
Monday, May 3, 2010
You killed a part of me
It’s been months now and I am still getting rid of things that remind me of you. That just goes to show how much we shared. Thanks for throwing all that away...
I started with what I was wearing. I had the bracelet you made me, I burned that. I had the necklace we bought (well…..I bought….), I threw that away. There is the concert t-shirt that is now at the back of my closet. There was the peace crane I made to help you with your problems with the one who was out to hurt you, I burned that. I had to delete most of the pictures from my 19th birthday. I had to delete most of my pictures in general, because they were all taken by you, of you, or with you. I had to delete all the bumper stickers we shared: “We will be the old ladies causing trouble in the nursing homes”, “I love how telepathic we are”, “only we understand our jokes”, “I have someone who I call family, that really isn’t”, etc, etc, etc. I took down all the posters you left at school. I erased your message you left on my white board. I took the spare sleeping bag and pillow out of my room. I kept the Christmas gifts I intended on giving you, for my self. I deleted all the hilarious videos we made.
I gave you everything. I shared everything with you. I saved your life. I drove away the one who was trying to hurt you. I prevented her from turning everyone against you. I influenced the one you loved to ditch the enemy for you. I spent every weekend with you. I paid for everything that you got at the mall. I spent a ridiculous amount of money on fireworks for your birthday, because I was the only one who showed. I kept you sane when you were about to lose it. I helped you tend to your cuts when you didn’t want to go to the hospital. I was there for you every time you wanted to die. I put up with you ignoring me whenever your special one was around. I put up with you ditching plans with me for that one. I forgave you when you broke plans we made a year in advance last minute, leaving me alone, and lying to me about not being available (when really you just didn’t want to spend that time with me). I protected your secrets. I nearly lost a friend of mine because I spent so much time with you. You said I was your sister. We thought so much alike that we always said the same thing at the same time. Besides that we were literally telepathic. I stayed up late to make sure you were ok when I could sense you were distraught.
We shared our entire lives. We spent all the time together that we had. And then once a girl came and told you lies, you believed it and disposed of me. Even after that person did their best to make you miserable, did their best to turn everyone against you, did their best to split us all up, hurt your special one time and time over, did nothing but lie to her, to me, to you, and spread lies about you to everyone. That person was a notorious, compulsive liar, and for some reason you chose to believe the lies she told you about me. You did not question it, or even get my side of the story. You just threw me out. And even though it’s been a few months, I do not hurt any less than I did back then. You think I hurt you, but look what you did to me. You destroyed me. I have never been the same since.
How can someone just throw everything away like that? Especially after what we shared? Especially after what I did for you; what I gave to you. Especially since you know her well to be a compulsive liar, to try and split you up from all your friends. This makes no sense. The least you could do after all this is answer that question. Why did you believe her so easily? Why did you trust a liar over someone who has never given you reason to distrust?
I started with what I was wearing. I had the bracelet you made me, I burned that. I had the necklace we bought (well…..I bought….), I threw that away. There is the concert t-shirt that is now at the back of my closet. There was the peace crane I made to help you with your problems with the one who was out to hurt you, I burned that. I had to delete most of the pictures from my 19th birthday. I had to delete most of my pictures in general, because they were all taken by you, of you, or with you. I had to delete all the bumper stickers we shared: “We will be the old ladies causing trouble in the nursing homes”, “I love how telepathic we are”, “only we understand our jokes”, “I have someone who I call family, that really isn’t”, etc, etc, etc. I took down all the posters you left at school. I erased your message you left on my white board. I took the spare sleeping bag and pillow out of my room. I kept the Christmas gifts I intended on giving you, for my self. I deleted all the hilarious videos we made.
I gave you everything. I shared everything with you. I saved your life. I drove away the one who was trying to hurt you. I prevented her from turning everyone against you. I influenced the one you loved to ditch the enemy for you. I spent every weekend with you. I paid for everything that you got at the mall. I spent a ridiculous amount of money on fireworks for your birthday, because I was the only one who showed. I kept you sane when you were about to lose it. I helped you tend to your cuts when you didn’t want to go to the hospital. I was there for you every time you wanted to die. I put up with you ignoring me whenever your special one was around. I put up with you ditching plans with me for that one. I forgave you when you broke plans we made a year in advance last minute, leaving me alone, and lying to me about not being available (when really you just didn’t want to spend that time with me). I protected your secrets. I nearly lost a friend of mine because I spent so much time with you. You said I was your sister. We thought so much alike that we always said the same thing at the same time. Besides that we were literally telepathic. I stayed up late to make sure you were ok when I could sense you were distraught.
We shared our entire lives. We spent all the time together that we had. And then once a girl came and told you lies, you believed it and disposed of me. Even after that person did their best to make you miserable, did their best to turn everyone against you, did their best to split us all up, hurt your special one time and time over, did nothing but lie to her, to me, to you, and spread lies about you to everyone. That person was a notorious, compulsive liar, and for some reason you chose to believe the lies she told you about me. You did not question it, or even get my side of the story. You just threw me out. And even though it’s been a few months, I do not hurt any less than I did back then. You think I hurt you, but look what you did to me. You destroyed me. I have never been the same since.
How can someone just throw everything away like that? Especially after what we shared? Especially after what I did for you; what I gave to you. Especially since you know her well to be a compulsive liar, to try and split you up from all your friends. This makes no sense. The least you could do after all this is answer that question. Why did you believe her so easily? Why did you trust a liar over someone who has never given you reason to distrust?
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Lack of Effort Brings Lack of Inspiration
I just wanted to mention to all the students something that they may not know.
Some of us have issues asking for help. We often wait for it to be offered. A lot of people use body language of needing help in the form of acting sluggish and giving up. They try and make it obvious that they need help. The problem with that is: if you show little effort to try, a lot of blackbelts are not going to want to show effort to help.
I can say, that in my point of view, if I see a person give up, I lose all desire to offer help to that person. I do not want to offer help to someone who appears like they many not use it, especially if they appear to not care. If you don’t care, I don’t care.
When you lack intensity, effort, and drive; the feeling is contagious. The blackbelts will lack those traits when it comes to teaching.
I am not trying to offer criticism to anyone, I am offering advice.
If you have problems asking for help, the best body language you can use to get help is to try your best, put in effort, put in intensity, and act like you care. We will notice if you make a mistake or if you do not understand and we will come and help you. We can see the lost look in your eyes. But, like I said, if you appear to not care or want to try, we will not care or want to try either. So help us help you.
Some of us have issues asking for help. We often wait for it to be offered. A lot of people use body language of needing help in the form of acting sluggish and giving up. They try and make it obvious that they need help. The problem with that is: if you show little effort to try, a lot of blackbelts are not going to want to show effort to help.
I can say, that in my point of view, if I see a person give up, I lose all desire to offer help to that person. I do not want to offer help to someone who appears like they many not use it, especially if they appear to not care. If you don’t care, I don’t care.
When you lack intensity, effort, and drive; the feeling is contagious. The blackbelts will lack those traits when it comes to teaching.
I am not trying to offer criticism to anyone, I am offering advice.
If you have problems asking for help, the best body language you can use to get help is to try your best, put in effort, put in intensity, and act like you care. We will notice if you make a mistake or if you do not understand and we will come and help you. We can see the lost look in your eyes. But, like I said, if you appear to not care or want to try, we will not care or want to try either. So help us help you.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Did You Ever Wish………?
There was no such thing as disease?
We could all get along?
There was no crime?
There was no poverty?
There was no pollution?
There was no war?
Abuse did not exist?
Animals were not treated so poorly?
All people were equal?
There was no racism, or discrimination?
Devastation and disaster would all go away?
Homes could be given to those who have lost theirs?
Smoking does not take any more lives?
No more people would die, waiting for organs or blood?
That we can all forget our differences, and put the past behind us?
That miracles could really happen?
Miracles don’t happen. It’s time to take action. We can fix our world. We can help eachother.
How can you contribute?
We could all get along?
There was no crime?
There was no poverty?
There was no pollution?
There was no war?
Abuse did not exist?
Animals were not treated so poorly?
All people were equal?
There was no racism, or discrimination?
Devastation and disaster would all go away?
Homes could be given to those who have lost theirs?
Smoking does not take any more lives?
No more people would die, waiting for organs or blood?
That we can all forget our differences, and put the past behind us?
That miracles could really happen?
Miracles don’t happen. It’s time to take action. We can fix our world. We can help eachother.
How can you contribute?
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Recognizing the Signs
I have been diagnosed with chronic depression. I have explained, at the minimum, my experiences with this. I think it’s time I open up to everyone. Maybe this can help save lives.
Even though I was diagnosed with depression, I never noticed my symptoms. I never felt like I had depression, until junior high.
It has only been the past few years that I have learned to recognize the signs of depression in myself. It is hard to recognize, because it is not always typical behavior of someone who is depressed. Looking back I see that I have been dealing with depression my whole life.
When I am depressed, I usually tend to lose control of myself. I act extremely hyper, I look for trouble, I starve for entertainment (no matter what I have to do to get it), and I get short with people. Sometimes I completely lash out at small incidents. Up until now, I always wondered why I acted like such a brat; why I couldn’t stop acting like that, even though I hated myself when I acted like that.
In elementary, I was not very accepted due to my lack of skill for non-verbal communication. When people started to pick on me, I fought back. This only increased the problem. I started to become depressed as I was losing friends, and I started acting out even more because of the depression. I became a total nutcase. I even had a friend of mine tell me that I had scared everyone off because I had thrown a chair across the room.
When I transferred to Onoway , I had a fresh start. Things were great until I was in the junior high/ senior high school. Typically, new students will get picked on by the older ones. Obviously I retaliated against everyone who picked on me, and the cycle started again. But this time, my depression became severe. It was so severe that not only did I have no control over myself, but I felt dead miserable. I hid in the bathroom and cried every day. I missed many classes because I was hiding in the bathroom crying. I had made such a mess of things by retaliating, and acting strangely due to my depression, that nearly the entire school made me a target to harass and pick on. This is when I started having suicidal thoughts.
The thoughts weren’t frequent, but did occur every time I sunk to my rock bottom low. This started to happen more and more. The only thing that kept me alive was fear of death, and kung fu. Things got worse and worse for me as I acted out more and more. I was getting suspended almost on a monthly basis. I was losing all my friends. And I was close to being expelled. But I just could not stop acting out.
At the end of grade eight, I was told that I could not come back the next school year. I cried so hard I couldn’t breath. I was told it was because I belong to parkland, and not northern gateway school district, but I know that is just an excuse. The whole school, even the teachers, had enough of me and couldn’t deal with me anymore. I was transferred to the outreach I go to now.
Things were great the first year, I had no problems. The next year, there were a whole lot more students enrolled. I made more friends, but also had more drama. The problems is that, I tend to forget stressful times easily. I kind of black them out (unintentionally. So I can’t quite remember the things that caused me to be depressed again at first, but it was mostly friend drama.) I went through 2 week long phases of depression, where I just felt like dying. It didn’t help that I was going through medication changes at the time.
Then the second year of high school I crashed. The difficulty level of grade ten and grade eleven had a huge gap. I struggled so bad with chemistry 20 and social 20. It didn’t help that I was given books from one version of social 20, and assignments from another format. I didn’t know this, so I assumed I was just pathetic and incapable. I convinced myself that I had reached my peak of capability in my life, and that my life was over. This was my worst phase of depression. I wanted to die every day. I broke down and cried every day. I found myself standing on the side of the road, with the intention of jumping in front of a car. I found myself standing by the edge of balconies. I thought about death every day. I spent some time coming up with the quickest, easiest, most painless way to go. I even researched exactly what happens when one overdoses on sleeping pills. I had a bottle of pills hidden in my room, ready for when I made the decision. And I started cutting.
The first time I cut was I had to where hoodies, in the summer, just to cover it up. After that I didn’t do it for a while, until I heard some bad things being said about me. And I cut myself again. I didn’t cut again for a while after that. But then the depression worsened, so I started cutting again. After over a year of this, the cutting didn’t work anymore. I no longer felt the release of negative energy that I got from it before, so I upgraded to burning. I did it once, and it felt so great. I felt like all my pain and stress disappeared (because the injury caused my body to release endorphins, just like cutting).
After that, things started to pick up. My life quickly went from a one to a ten. I quit cutting and burning for a long time. But after losing my best friends, I burnt myself once more. The day after I did this, I decided it would be the last time. Because I was afraid of how far it could go. I was afraid that, since I upgraded from cutting to burning, what would be next?
Since then my life is back in place. I have learned a lesson about how to deal with my pain in less self destructive ways. But I still go through a period of depression for a couple hours every once in a while. My friends know when I am feeling like crap because I act like a nutcase still. A lot of the time I don’t even recognize it.
But when I was having suicidal thoughts, and hurting myself, no one had a clue. I was lucky to have kung fu as a second home, and to be afraid of death, so I was able to get through it without anyone’s help. But there are so many people out there who are just like me; no one has a clue about what is really going on. The only difference is, they have nothing. They don’t have a passion and a second home. And a lot of people escalate to the point that they do not fear death. It is important to be able to recognize when someone you know is depressed and suicidal. They can be hard to miss, or easily misinterpreted. Too many people die from symptoms of depression not being properly recognized by others.
There are many signs of depression and suicidal tendencies to look for:
•Strange behavior, ranging from outrageous to mellow
•Marks drop
•Loss of interest in things
•Fascination with death (perhaps in drawings or dead bodies)
•Low self esteem
•Withdrawal
•Pessimistic attitude
•Insomnia or excessive sleeping
•Giving away belongings and cleaning up belongings
•Loss or gain of weight
•Loss or gain of appetite
•Excuses to avoid making plans or hanging with friends
•Hostility toward friends and family (so that people won’t miss them, or because of loss of control, or because of loss of control of self)
•Lack of concentration
•Lack of interest or concern
•Lack of emotion or extreme emotions
•Excessive self criticism
•Excessive criticism and complaining in general, or the opposite (they just don’t care about things that should concern them)
•Rebellion
•Promiscuous behavior
•Drug use
•Refuses help of any kind (even when unrelated to depression, ex: help with a project)
•Major mood swings
•Desperate need for attention
•Desperate need to find entertainment or happiness
•Desperation in general
•Starts committing crimes
•Spontaneous rash behaviors (ex: shaving their head or cutting of all their hair)
•Destruction of once valued belongings
•Cutting or burning (or trying to cover body parts with long sleeps or never wearing shorts)
•Short temper
•Self destructive behavoir
•Dangerous activity
•Gives up easily
Even though I was diagnosed with depression, I never noticed my symptoms. I never felt like I had depression, until junior high.
It has only been the past few years that I have learned to recognize the signs of depression in myself. It is hard to recognize, because it is not always typical behavior of someone who is depressed. Looking back I see that I have been dealing with depression my whole life.
When I am depressed, I usually tend to lose control of myself. I act extremely hyper, I look for trouble, I starve for entertainment (no matter what I have to do to get it), and I get short with people. Sometimes I completely lash out at small incidents. Up until now, I always wondered why I acted like such a brat; why I couldn’t stop acting like that, even though I hated myself when I acted like that.
In elementary, I was not very accepted due to my lack of skill for non-verbal communication. When people started to pick on me, I fought back. This only increased the problem. I started to become depressed as I was losing friends, and I started acting out even more because of the depression. I became a total nutcase. I even had a friend of mine tell me that I had scared everyone off because I had thrown a chair across the room.
When I transferred to Onoway , I had a fresh start. Things were great until I was in the junior high/ senior high school. Typically, new students will get picked on by the older ones. Obviously I retaliated against everyone who picked on me, and the cycle started again. But this time, my depression became severe. It was so severe that not only did I have no control over myself, but I felt dead miserable. I hid in the bathroom and cried every day. I missed many classes because I was hiding in the bathroom crying. I had made such a mess of things by retaliating, and acting strangely due to my depression, that nearly the entire school made me a target to harass and pick on. This is when I started having suicidal thoughts.
The thoughts weren’t frequent, but did occur every time I sunk to my rock bottom low. This started to happen more and more. The only thing that kept me alive was fear of death, and kung fu. Things got worse and worse for me as I acted out more and more. I was getting suspended almost on a monthly basis. I was losing all my friends. And I was close to being expelled. But I just could not stop acting out.
At the end of grade eight, I was told that I could not come back the next school year. I cried so hard I couldn’t breath. I was told it was because I belong to parkland, and not northern gateway school district, but I know that is just an excuse. The whole school, even the teachers, had enough of me and couldn’t deal with me anymore. I was transferred to the outreach I go to now.
Things were great the first year, I had no problems. The next year, there were a whole lot more students enrolled. I made more friends, but also had more drama. The problems is that, I tend to forget stressful times easily. I kind of black them out (unintentionally. So I can’t quite remember the things that caused me to be depressed again at first, but it was mostly friend drama.) I went through 2 week long phases of depression, where I just felt like dying. It didn’t help that I was going through medication changes at the time.
Then the second year of high school I crashed. The difficulty level of grade ten and grade eleven had a huge gap. I struggled so bad with chemistry 20 and social 20. It didn’t help that I was given books from one version of social 20, and assignments from another format. I didn’t know this, so I assumed I was just pathetic and incapable. I convinced myself that I had reached my peak of capability in my life, and that my life was over. This was my worst phase of depression. I wanted to die every day. I broke down and cried every day. I found myself standing on the side of the road, with the intention of jumping in front of a car. I found myself standing by the edge of balconies. I thought about death every day. I spent some time coming up with the quickest, easiest, most painless way to go. I even researched exactly what happens when one overdoses on sleeping pills. I had a bottle of pills hidden in my room, ready for when I made the decision. And I started cutting.
The first time I cut was I had to where hoodies, in the summer, just to cover it up. After that I didn’t do it for a while, until I heard some bad things being said about me. And I cut myself again. I didn’t cut again for a while after that. But then the depression worsened, so I started cutting again. After over a year of this, the cutting didn’t work anymore. I no longer felt the release of negative energy that I got from it before, so I upgraded to burning. I did it once, and it felt so great. I felt like all my pain and stress disappeared (because the injury caused my body to release endorphins, just like cutting).
After that, things started to pick up. My life quickly went from a one to a ten. I quit cutting and burning for a long time. But after losing my best friends, I burnt myself once more. The day after I did this, I decided it would be the last time. Because I was afraid of how far it could go. I was afraid that, since I upgraded from cutting to burning, what would be next?
Since then my life is back in place. I have learned a lesson about how to deal with my pain in less self destructive ways. But I still go through a period of depression for a couple hours every once in a while. My friends know when I am feeling like crap because I act like a nutcase still. A lot of the time I don’t even recognize it.
But when I was having suicidal thoughts, and hurting myself, no one had a clue. I was lucky to have kung fu as a second home, and to be afraid of death, so I was able to get through it without anyone’s help. But there are so many people out there who are just like me; no one has a clue about what is really going on. The only difference is, they have nothing. They don’t have a passion and a second home. And a lot of people escalate to the point that they do not fear death. It is important to be able to recognize when someone you know is depressed and suicidal. They can be hard to miss, or easily misinterpreted. Too many people die from symptoms of depression not being properly recognized by others.
There are many signs of depression and suicidal tendencies to look for:
•Strange behavior, ranging from outrageous to mellow
•Marks drop
•Loss of interest in things
•Fascination with death (perhaps in drawings or dead bodies)
•Low self esteem
•Withdrawal
•Pessimistic attitude
•Insomnia or excessive sleeping
•Giving away belongings and cleaning up belongings
•Loss or gain of weight
•Loss or gain of appetite
•Excuses to avoid making plans or hanging with friends
•Hostility toward friends and family (so that people won’t miss them, or because of loss of control, or because of loss of control of self)
•Lack of concentration
•Lack of interest or concern
•Lack of emotion or extreme emotions
•Excessive self criticism
•Excessive criticism and complaining in general, or the opposite (they just don’t care about things that should concern them)
•Rebellion
•Promiscuous behavior
•Drug use
•Refuses help of any kind (even when unrelated to depression, ex: help with a project)
•Major mood swings
•Desperate need for attention
•Desperate need to find entertainment or happiness
•Desperation in general
•Starts committing crimes
•Spontaneous rash behaviors (ex: shaving their head or cutting of all their hair)
•Destruction of once valued belongings
•Cutting or burning (or trying to cover body parts with long sleeps or never wearing shorts)
•Short temper
•Self destructive behavoir
•Dangerous activity
•Gives up easily
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Reach for the Sky!
Why do I feel that people are trying to crush my dreams?
I grew up being told that I can do anything I want to do; achieve anything I want to achieve. But now that I am at the stage of choosing what I want to do with my life, it feels like I’m being told (in between the lines) to be more realistic. I feel like people think I am not capable of doing what I have always wanted to do; what I have always been great at.
It started with my principal. Ever since I took CALM in grade ten, I knew exactly what I wanted to do. In the past year I have decided how I will achieve that goal; where I will go, and how I will do it. I have my five year plan in place. I felt so proud of myself and like others should be proud of me. But that is not the reaction I have received. My principal came to me, and tried to convince me to go to a career fair (which when I overlooked what career stations were there, I saw that most of them were underachiever jobs, and none of them had anything to do with my passion: science). All the other people invited to this fair were the extreme special needs kids, whom which are still taking elementary and junior high courses. I felt so insulted! No offense to those kids, but I am WAY past that level and WAY more capable of achieving so much more than that. “Is this what she thinks of me?” I thought.
So, I obviously declined the offer. Only to face months more of her trying to convince me even more to look into other options. So now I am getting even more hints that she thinks I am not capable of what I have chosen. She knows I have already gone to career fairs and researched careers very deeply before I chose what I wanted, and now I am being told to keep looking. Way to say “you can do anything you choose.” Sounds more like “maybe you need to chose something a little easier.” Ummmm…….excuse me? I have spent my life deeply buried in research and projects of biology, I have such a deep understanding of if from what I have learnt on my spare time, so much that biology 30 feels like review to me. So once again, I find myself being underestimated.
After brushing this all aside, I am then being told by my mother and psychologist that I need to look at other options. But I’ll say it again: I have already gone through that whole process. They keep telling me “well what if what you want to do doesn’t work out?” OUCH! Again I feel like I am being told that I am not capable of what I have chosen. Which is even more confusing that it was only a couple months ago that I was being told to narrow my career choice. And now they are telling me to broaden it. Jeeze this is so frusterating!
I am tired of being underestimated. I always found, that in childhood, I was being told to reach for the sky. Now I am being told to reach for what is in my reach. You’d think that, in knowing me so well, they would know I never settle when it comes to my achievements. I have always reached for the sky and I always will. I’m tired of people assuming that I cannot do something, without even giving me the chance to try. Good encouragement eh?
The point I am trying to make is that, when you get older, you are given (what people see to be as) more realistic views. But no one ever got anywhere by playing it safe. No one ever made it by listening to being told that they cannot do what they try to. If anyone tries to tell you that you are not able to do something, I think that should be an invitation to a challenge. I plan on proving everyone wrong who is telling me to try something else; something easier.
I challenge you to prove anyone wrong who tells you that you are not capable of doing something. Reach for the sky, and don’t settle for anything!
I grew up being told that I can do anything I want to do; achieve anything I want to achieve. But now that I am at the stage of choosing what I want to do with my life, it feels like I’m being told (in between the lines) to be more realistic. I feel like people think I am not capable of doing what I have always wanted to do; what I have always been great at.
It started with my principal. Ever since I took CALM in grade ten, I knew exactly what I wanted to do. In the past year I have decided how I will achieve that goal; where I will go, and how I will do it. I have my five year plan in place. I felt so proud of myself and like others should be proud of me. But that is not the reaction I have received. My principal came to me, and tried to convince me to go to a career fair (which when I overlooked what career stations were there, I saw that most of them were underachiever jobs, and none of them had anything to do with my passion: science). All the other people invited to this fair were the extreme special needs kids, whom which are still taking elementary and junior high courses. I felt so insulted! No offense to those kids, but I am WAY past that level and WAY more capable of achieving so much more than that. “Is this what she thinks of me?” I thought.
So, I obviously declined the offer. Only to face months more of her trying to convince me even more to look into other options. So now I am getting even more hints that she thinks I am not capable of what I have chosen. She knows I have already gone to career fairs and researched careers very deeply before I chose what I wanted, and now I am being told to keep looking. Way to say “you can do anything you choose.” Sounds more like “maybe you need to chose something a little easier.” Ummmm…….excuse me? I have spent my life deeply buried in research and projects of biology, I have such a deep understanding of if from what I have learnt on my spare time, so much that biology 30 feels like review to me. So once again, I find myself being underestimated.
After brushing this all aside, I am then being told by my mother and psychologist that I need to look at other options. But I’ll say it again: I have already gone through that whole process. They keep telling me “well what if what you want to do doesn’t work out?” OUCH! Again I feel like I am being told that I am not capable of what I have chosen. Which is even more confusing that it was only a couple months ago that I was being told to narrow my career choice. And now they are telling me to broaden it. Jeeze this is so frusterating!
I am tired of being underestimated. I always found, that in childhood, I was being told to reach for the sky. Now I am being told to reach for what is in my reach. You’d think that, in knowing me so well, they would know I never settle when it comes to my achievements. I have always reached for the sky and I always will. I’m tired of people assuming that I cannot do something, without even giving me the chance to try. Good encouragement eh?
The point I am trying to make is that, when you get older, you are given (what people see to be as) more realistic views. But no one ever got anywhere by playing it safe. No one ever made it by listening to being told that they cannot do what they try to. If anyone tries to tell you that you are not able to do something, I think that should be an invitation to a challenge. I plan on proving everyone wrong who is telling me to try something else; something easier.
I challenge you to prove anyone wrong who tells you that you are not capable of doing something. Reach for the sky, and don’t settle for anything!
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